Yesterday

Yesterday,
I prayed to Allah,
To show me what is good for me,
To guide me to what is meant for me,
To protect me from what might hurt me..

Yesterday,
I prayed to Allah for a sign,
for a sign to what might be the best,
for a termination of all hopes
at the starting line,
if things are not meant to be..

This morning,
Allah brought rain..
Rain that wet the dire generator of curiosity,
that it exploded
Rain that wet the firing hope for a settled answer,
that all flame was lost.

I was crushed.
I felt very much disappointed.
Too disappointed that it pained,
Too disappointed that it made me restless,
Too disappointed that it made me determined.
Very much determined to what i need,
To what i want to achieve.

This morning,
instead of giving up,
I discard negativity,
I pushed myself,
I adapted,
I resolved,
and Alhamdulillah,
I've achieved what i've set myself to achieve.

and Alhamdulillah,
I've gotten my answer from Him.

It takes effort,
will,
passion,
and a strong heart,
to get on top of that mountain,
to jump over hurdles,
to reach the stars,

It takes effort,
will,
passion,
and a strong heart
to get what you want..

And trust me,
with these elements,
U'll get there..
U'll get there

A lesson learned..
Now the question is,
What do i want?

~Your life is your life, you gotta live like its your life :)

Well you used to be somebody and now you're someone else
Took apart his own life, left it on the shelf
Sick of being someone he did not admire
Took apart his old things, set them all on fire

He's gonna change, gonna change his ways
Gonna change, gonna change his ways

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven

Left his house at midnight, resolute and young
In search of something better than the person he'd become
Threw his bags onto the back of his run down 80's car
Headed out to God knows where, the distance is too far

He's gonna change, gonna change his ways
Gonna change, gonna change his ways

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven

Your life is your life, you gotta live like it's your life
Your life is your life, you gotta live like it's your life
Your life is your life, you gotta live like it's your life
Your life is your life, you gotta live like it's your life

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven

And it feels like his new life can start
And it feels like heaven

No Goodbyes - Original Piano composition by Me

A tribute from me to the whole of two months i was in Northern Ireland.
Oh how i miss that place :(

ITS BEEN AWHILE, I KNOW!!! hahahahha but anywho, i'm so happy to be reunited again with my guitar and piano!!!!!!! And i came up with this melody. Yes, the melody does sound a bit familiar with the one on Pearl Harbour.. but i just love the progression ya know.. its awesome.. hahahaha and i decided to add that bit to the whole composition.. and voila!

as for the video clips, took them when i was in Northern Ireland for my placing.. oh how i miss the place huhu.. this video means a whole lot to me, some may not get it.. but it does mean a lot to me :) i do hope whoever listens to this will be able to appreciate it as well.

The Rainbows in the sky to show God's promises are true

I do believe strongly in my religion. I may not portray it best for my imperfections and own weaknesses, but i do believe in Allah, His words, and our beloved prophet Mohammad. But that does not necessarily mean i must constrict myself from learning about other beliefs. Sometimes, you tend to understand better about what you've chosen to be when you're looking at what you've chosen not to be. Am i making sense? lol.

So, today was my first time entering attending to an event held in a church. And so, the moment i entered the church, i made an intimate promise to myself to hold strong with what i believe in to the core of my heart, and at the same time keep an open mind and learn, and there i was, standing, and enjoying their lively songs about the God they believed in, and it hit me. People who has faith, is always at an advantage. Always.

The faith that you have carved deep in you, is without a flaw until you give it a reason to have one. It is not weak, until you let it be weak. And it is perfection, until you spoil it with impurity. It is where all hope lies, and it is that harness that'll pull you to safety when you've accidentally fall. Some people choose to not have faith, they choose to believe whats real in front of their eyes, than an abstract idea. So they choose to put hopes onto themselves, or other people, or other things. But thats where the problem lies. You and i? We're not perfect. Things and objects? They're never perfect. And these entities have that potential to break you, to disappoint you. Say for an example, instead of turning to faith, you take you partner or your bf/gf as something more significant, you take people as your everything.. What happens when he or she is no longer there? And be honest to yourself, can he or she ALWAYS be there for you? Can people ever be enough for you? People who have no faith would be at lost when the world is not providing them their needs. But people who believes in faith wouldn't be, simply because they already have whats essential to them. Faith :)

Faith is not an abstract idea. It is as real as you and i, and you'll only be able to see it if you wish to have a pair of eyes that could. I was torn to the very core about a year ago, and trust me when i say, i had everybody helping me to bring me up again. But it was not enough, and what really got me through, was faith. And the faith that i believe in, is perfect. That is where i shall put all my hopes with, and that is where my heart lies as well, for i know it'll be safe there. That is where my purpose of living, is directed to, too. So if whenever whoever comes around, and push me to the ground, strip me from the all that i own in this world, take all of the people around me whom i love ever so dearly, i'll still have that one reason to feel okay. I'll still have that one reason to get up on my two feet and move forward. I'll still have that one reason to be happy about, and that is because i haf faith. And insyaAllah, with His will, this faith that i have will always be with me.. amin..

It seems all too precious now :)

Have you ever wondered why you like the things you like? Like, say you have deep cravings for a particular something, or like you have this very prominent hatred towards this something.. and when someone asks why... the utmost reasonable answer you can come up with is that that is just how you are. Who decides how you should be in the first place? Did we actually get to choose when we're young? Or is it simply genetics and environmental influence to be blamed for? lol

Well say if you get to choose what to like, and what to not like, are there any traits of yours that you'd like to trade in for a new one? There i was, waiting for the retention time of my peptide, and out of nowhere this question just simply pop in mind. Would there be any traits that i'd wanna trade in for another? hmm..

There is one, in particular. And that is sensitivity. Yup, perhaps it would be nice to be a wee bit more insensitive towards things sometimes. Its like this HPLC machine right in front of me yea.. if you turn on the sensitivity a wee bit too high, it'll be soo sensitivie that even small readings are detected as something significant and worth to look at lol. Sure, you'll get a better picture of things, you'll understand things much clearer maybe, and you wudn't be missin' out on any of the details.. but sometimes, its just a waste of time having to cater to them ya know? Especially when there's no beneficial achievement from it in the end.

I got it from me momma, this sensitivity trait, or at the very least, i think thats where it came from. I used to be insensitive when i was younger. Oh yes i was, and considering that was not how my mom roll, i got into a whole lot of trouble because of it lol. For example, she would know all these small mistakes that i do, ya know? She could hear me turning on the tele when im not suppose to be, like 2km away! And whenever i say the wrong things, or gave the wrong impression towards my aunts and uncles at gatherings, i'll be in for a loooonngggg pep talk after that from her alright. She'll say somethin' like, "Kamu ckp macam tu kat org kenapa? Kan disrespectful..." blaa blaa blaa.. lol, when compared to my other cousins, their parents would simply laugh it out and that'll be the end of it. So ive learnt to adapt. I had to adapt to avoid myself getting scolded at. I've learnt to be very observant so that i will avoid myself from getting into a lot of trouble hahaha. But see, indirectly, i've taught myself to take note of the little things, and that is taking its toll on me at the moment.

Now that i'm big enough to be makin' my own decisions, I've become too observant for my own good. I take these petty things into consideration when others don't necessarily do so, and thats not fun sometimes. Not fun at all. It'll annoy you, but you can't blame anyone coz its your own doing.. Its like, say you're eating at a table with friends yea.. and you've been taught by your mom to always use the spoon whenever you get your dishes.. and then you'll be having all these friends of yours, crowding at the table, and using their hands and fingers instead... which has nothing wrong to it, but because you've been trained to not do so, it'll annoy you. And thats only like a small tiny weeny portion of it. It can get worse. It can make you feel a whole lot worse. Like when people say the wrong things, or when they do not say the right things at the right time, by YOUR book and YOUR book ONLY.. it sucks.. Coz you are annoyed by it, it bothers you, but you can't let that annoyance out coz no one would understand but you.. And you'll be noticing too many for your own good as well, making you build all these assumptions, or specific expections for yourself. Its just so damn tiring is all.. huhu

But there'll always be two sides to a coin. Always. And i've had a taste of the advantages towards being all sensitive and what not. Really. For one thing, i dont get into much trouble see. And sometimes i get credited for noticing the little things hahahahaha which is fun. People take it like as if i was doing some magic trick or somethin' lol.. which is cool.. its nice to make others feel good, ya know? And thats how it pays back.. its also one of the similar things that i share with my mom. And i'm kinda proud to be inheriting it. And because of this high sensitivity trait, i think i understand my mom in a certain way that nobody else does. I don't need to be talking to her, and yet i understand exactly how she feels at every moment. I just have that feeling. Perhaps all that triumph and strife to adapt did pay off. Not only did it make me sensitive, it made me understand my mom better. It grew on me.

Now that i've laid everything out, i might not be that sure about wanting to trade that particular trait in afterall. It seems all too precious now hahahaha. Oh well. My flight to London is tomorrow. I'm gonna miss Northern Ireland so dearly.

Beats that'll get you dancin'! ;)

"Just snap your fingers everybody and come and jump with me"
DJ Fresh - Gold Dust




"You can't tame this energy inside"
DJ Fresh ft Sian - Louder



"Just bounce. BOUNCE!!"
Calvin Harris - Bounce



"I'll guarantee you'll miss, cause you changed the way you kiss me"
Example - Change the way you kiss me



"What a feeling, to let it all go"
Kelly Rolland ft Alex Gaudino - What A Feeling



"Remember how it was with you, Remember how u pulled me through"
Deadmau5 - I remember


"Can we take it back?"
Toddla T - Take it Back


"I got nothing going on, if you hide yourself"
Loadstar - space between


"Everytime you get close to the top, you fall.. crashing down from the sky"
Strange Behaviour - Feed me


Can't believe i'm leaving Coleraine soon.. :(

Bottles of ketchup and chilli sauce

Back when i was in 5th grade, i remembered Ms Pollack assigning us to do the most memorable project i've ever done in my whole entire life. we had this particular novel for our read aloud session at that time. I can't recall the title of the novel, but it was about this particular place being attacked by some other country, and the kids were left stranded. And so the main character of the story decided to take things under her charge, gathered all the kids that she could find, found an empty school, and they lived there. After quite some time, the school was occupied by a community of kids, and that school became a country of its own lol with its own set of rules and regulations, and of course, the main character became some sort of like a president haha. Prior to this, the assignment was for us to put ourselves in that girl's shoes, and think of how we'd run that school instead.

Power. What we'd do with it. And what we'd do without it.

I do realise my views on politics may not be entitled for any kind of consideration lol simply because i'm quite ignorant about it. Shame on me, i know. I'm better at memorizing the names of the Roman Myth Gods and their history than the dwellings of our politicians. But when i watched Al-Jazeera's coverage of the whole Bersih 2.0 demonstration today, of how these people used Allah's name to protest something like that with anger and animosity down the streets of KL, tears stranded down my cheeks. What is wrong with my country today..

A government can never be perfect. It can be better of course, but can never be ideal, especially one that has power for too long. Its very humane of us to take advantage on things that are with us for too long, don't it? huhu. And i guess these people thought this is the only way to send their message through, especially after similar successful movements occurring in the mid east. Its good to fight for your rights, to stand up for what you believe in. But lets both parties reflect back to the main reason why you're fighting for, and why you believe in the things that you believe in. We crave things simply to feel more comfortable with our lives, simply to live at peace in serenity with our surroundings. By doing all these demonstrations, is that anywhere near gaining comfort and peace?? Even in the long run, will it really solve problems? Do you think the opposition will have better chances with the new rules that you're proposing? Goodness. Fine, perhaps this wasn't much about the opposition wanting to win, perhaps this is about fairness and equality, but how sure are you of that? Other nations are on their way to figure out what lies beyond our universe, and here we are bickering about permanent ink? Siap ada demonstration lagi. Ape tu? And by shouting Allah's name, tainting His name for a cause even they're confused about, what does that show? Doing damage for a greater cause is still doing damage. As for the leaders of our country, wake up. Enough with all the petty little things, and start moving forward. poco2? Sex vids? Ape tu? Why are you molding our people to be concentrating and focusing on these things when there are much better things to think about? I don't see much advancements after Matathir has left. Yes, it takes time. But it has been more than half a decade that he has left, and still nothing. In fact, things are getting out of hand. You're moving the nation alright, but not forward, instead, against each other. This is why i choose to be politically ignorant. I dont see truth in any of it.

I'm not gonna point fingers to anyone. Like i said, all this is coming from someone who's ignorant towards politics. but i do believe there's always a reason why people say the things they say, and its time for all of us to reflect back to our original intentions. It is time for us to stop blaming each other, i dont fucking care who's fault it is. I want solutions. If whoever thinks they're better than the other, i say this is the time to unite, sit down, and figure things out. Enough dancing around the bush. Enough parading in your emperor's clothes. Enough is enough, i say.

Bottles of ketchup and chilli sauce were one of the suggestions i came up for my group in that project of ours, and that was for our main defense system lol. And my teacher thought it was very creative lol. If only all problems could be easily solved with bottles of ketchup and chilli sauce..

What does the sky see?

I just love the song.
So i had to make a vid of it hahaha
added a few photos of the beautiful northern ireland.. :)

It gets to the very core of me heart, this song huhu
Id love to make a cover of this when i get back.
And it'd be awesome if i could duet with a violinist..
hmmm
:)

Awaken

I love this.
And i love Jane Eyre's character in this movie.
This might just be on my mixpod soon hehe :Db

These goggles are not too badd lol!

"Its like you learn more about yourself through other people"
- DC

So i woke up kinda early, today. Glanced at my Nokia 1201 phone for the time. Took me a while to process what i was looking at, but i managed to get there lol. 5:45am. Wow. Got up, rub my eyes, and there they were. Wrappers. Chocolate bar wrappers. Not 1. EFFIN' TWO!!! A cadbury fudge, and a toffee crisps. How on earth did it....? Who ate my...?? And that was when i saw chocolate stains on my fingers..

uh-ohhh...

No wonder i got up early with 'extra' energy.. I never knew you can actually sleep eat haha coz i cannot remember myself eating them. AT ALL. This is not good. I will not store chocolate in my room ever again. I should put like tomatoes, or carrots instead. Might take off some of the lense power from these orange goggles of mine.. yikes lol! and of course, the face fat... you chocolates!!!!! &#*#)*$)(*)*(#)(!!!

Todays a memorable day. Or at least it is to me. Its a day where all four of us, Elissa, Syahirah, Syakirah, and me are not within the same country! *memorable la sgt kaan hahaha*. Elissa is in Malaysia, doing her internship at Putrajaya. Syakirah is in Australia, finishing her degree, Syahirah is on a vacation to the states, and I'm finishing my internship in Ireland. Oh and Rabia is in the states too...!!!!!! I wish i could join them there after my UK trip.. oh if only they didn't need a visa, i'd fly there at an instance without thinkking twice!!!

Skyped with Syahirah for a wee bit before she left, and we were talking about this dude i met on the train back to Coleraine from Dublin. He was 32, an accountant at Caterpillar, who just got back from a Jeff Beck concert in France. I shall spare you guys the details, coz or else i'll be soundin' like a teenage girl droolin' over Justin Bieber, but in a more matured way? hahahaha okay no, i was not drooling over this dude. But the details were exciting hahaha ANYWAYYYYYYY, so i was telling syahirah about it, and after meeting this dude, it made me realise that i dont think i'll get married anytime soon lol.

Aside from my usual now-is-YOUR-time-to-shine-and-you-wudnt-be-able-to-do-much-when-ure-tied-down-with-too-many-commitments explanation, i think i find men around the age of 27 and above to be more.. appealing? lol. They're more matured that way. And its cool that when you ask them, what do you do now? Instead of saying, nah, i'm still studyin', living with my mom, and that kind of stuff, they'll be like, oh i work at so and so company, i have a house, i've been to places, and start explaining how they view the world and all that.. they know whats going on, they know what they want in life.. its so much more interesting to be talking to people like that.. And somehow, they know how to appreciate women better? Like they'd be listening to you, instead of drifting away and make stupid jokes about things. I can do jokes, i dont mind them. But sometimes, i'd like a serious talk, too. I tend to get bored easily, ya know? And guys at my age, not many can truly engage me into one of their conversations. So i think its best if i let them grow a wee bit more, get a bit more of life scarred into them, and theenn maybe they'll be more interesting.. ya know? hahahaha of course, i could just marry someone who's like 32 now, but thats where my usual now-is-YOUR-time-to-shine-and-you-wudn't-be-able-to-do-much-when-ure-tied-down-with-too-many-commitments talk comes in too hahahahha!! Yea okay, mmg tanak kawen skrang pon senanye.. tu belambak alasan hahaha..

But kan, what iff.. chey.. okayy, dah mula berangan plakkk... stop.. hahahaha i haven't even gotten to the part yang i wanted to talk about pon lagi ni.. aish teruk betul..

SOoo after i told all that to syahirah, she said

"You learn more about yourself through other people sometimes"

and that got my mouth shut, and me brain purging impulses hahaha... Its true. U do. And sometimes, you not just learn who you wanna be through others, you learn who you dont wanna be as well.

Apparently, i've been getting many visits from people of the past. not ghost of the past like the one inn them christmas movies, PEOPLE from the past. And i remembered when i was so close to this particular person, and how this person made me feel so insecure with myself. He's so well driven ya know, with big dreams and what not.. and he kept on telling me how i'm in huge trouble if i dont have any. I have big dreams, i know what i want, but when it comes to formally and specifically planing for it, random and luck would be my best friends. He did make me feel like i was a nobody. That i was not enough. And so i tried very very hard to excel his way. Looking back at things, now that i'm deciding for myself again, that i'm more influenced with my own thoughts than anybody else's, (except for my dad perhaps), i think i'm better off this way. I excel better this way, you know? I see things better. I know people around him might feel inferior just like me by that particular trait of his, but trust me when i say, everybody else's way doesn't necessarily mean its your way too :)

Been noticing other things as well, like that dude on the train. It made me realise how maturity plays a huge part to get my attention hahaha. And last evening, i chatted with another person in the past lol, and he made me realise how i'm more attached to the past PAST than the recent past.. do you get what i mean? And i think its rather apparent in this blog, too. i tend to connect things with my childhood. I wonder why. Although i do find that period to be my golden years. I love my childhood so dearly. I'd go back anytime.. huhu :')

Aye, i'm still at the lab, and its 4:18, didn't even go for lunch break. I guess sleep eating ain't really that baad.. hahaha Goodnight yous :)

I think imma have HUGE trouble with no 15 :S

I was about to start writing in a new page of my logbook today, to start yet another week of industrial training, and i felt a bitter sting straight to my heart when i saw "Week 8" on top of the page. It has been 7 weeks since the day we left for Coleraine. That would only mean i have approximately two more weeks left. Uh-oh.. More like, Fuckin' huge capital BLING BLING uh-ohs straight in the face alright. MASSIVE uh-ohs.. like MASSIVE massive..

Its funny how things work. How time matters not, for one to be attached to a particular something. or a particular place. or a particular someone. Before i start my normal ranting session, i'd like to warn yous out there that this post is going to be a very disoriented, unorganized, vulgar (?) and messy one.

I'm exhausted. I truly am. I could feel my eyes weighing on my cheeks, like a handkerchief holding a load of water, waiting to burst. But i can't blame them eyes, oh no i can't. I mean, they have ever so comfy cheeks now beneath them. Dunlop pillow standard cheeks, like the ones with goose feathers hahaha all fluffy, chubby, puffy... CHUBBY.. (urgh) who wouldn't wanna rest on that?.. Yes, i'm frustrated as well. I'm gaining fuckin' weight. Not. Good. Yes Houstan, the Eagle needs a bigger base to land now. I repeat. A bigger base. NOW. hahahahahahha i'm goin' nuts here.. And you wanna know the BEST part of all this?? They seem to fuckin' lovvvvv my face that it all accumulates THERE!!! urrghHhhHhhh *aksi tarik rambut sampai terkoyak kulit kepala (euwwww hahaha)*

I'm tired. Oh no wait, i've mentioned that hahahah. I'm confused, yes. I'm confused about myself either being really in a state of confusion, or am i just toying my mind to justify with the fact of me not being SURE if i'm confused or not. if i'm supposed to be confused or not. Anddd i think i've successfully...made you confused as well.. yikes, Welcome onboard! :P I'm confused with a number of things. Asking myself a lot of whys, whos, hows that it just drains my strength. But, in ways yet to explained, i think i prefer being in a state of confusion. Its exhausting, but at least you'd always know there's something out there to figure out on. You'll always have that yearn to solve the unsolve, ya know? Where's the fun when you 're sure about everything all the time? And in a state of confusion, is when you can shine in your shimmering ray of colours, bold and decide things base on your principles. A chance to be yourself. JYEAH! Go CONFUSION!!!!!!! *krik krik* So yea, i'm confused. NEXT!

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of how some people can just say whatever they want, can just badge out whatever they have in mind without having that notion to think first of what their words can do to others. I wish i have that luxury. But i dont. I think too much. True, being like me would prevent you from hurting 50% of the people on those-whom-i've-hurt-with-my-words list, but hey, guess where all that hurt accumulates to? YOU. INSIDE you, that it eats u up sometimes. And yes, the probability of you saying the wrong things would lessen as well, but hey, the probability of you saying the right things lessens, too. And all this ain't fun. These grudges i hold in me, i wish i could just let them go without exploding them in anybody's faces, especially mine. Or perhaps i wish i could explode without even thinking of how hurtful it'll be for that person, or how wrong and horrible things might turn out later. But i can't. I can't. And it suffocates me to hold everything inside. Its like being in a very polluted area, with dirty air, that you can either breathe in the dirty air, hurt your lungs, or torture yourself to not breathe until god knows when you'll find a suitable place to do so. And i choose to take good care of my lungs, so. Bhahaha pathetic... but hey, thats just who i am.

I'm in love. I'm in love with the idea that there's more to be discovered. I'm in love with the faith that i have, ignited deep in my heart, in a place where with His will no other will be able to break in. I'm in love with the person that i've turned out to be. Im not perfect, but i wouldn't wanna be anyone else. I'm in love with the life that i have. Its not perfect, but its not too bad. I believe imperfection is necessary and it acts as a reminder, to remind us that there's always something better out there, and there's no valid reason to be too attached to whats not perfect, coz perfection does exist. And that is in Allah. And to Him is where we should be deeply attached to.

I'm grateful. I'm grateful to be where i am, now. I'm not complaining one bit. If i am, that is only to let all the negativity out the right way, and not to nag like a useless arse and do nothin' about it, (and if it still does seem like i'm nagging, saje mengada nak attention kot bahahha sengalnyeee, i know). I'm grateful to see this world with the pair of eyes i have, and understand it with the heart that beats in me. I see crystals of colourful rainbows wherever i turn, and yet still remain rational. And no, i'm not on any kind of drugs, thanx for asking lol

I'm waiting. Anticipating. To go home :) Not that i'm homesick or anything, cheyy, okay okay, i am homesick. I miss ayah, mama, and aisyah. oh and my boyfriend. I miss sleeping with him, having him to wake me up every morning. I miss cuddlin' him. Don't worry sam, i know you ate my hamsters, but you'll never be on my hate list regardless of whatever you've done kay? haha. I'm anticipating, for Ramadhan :) Ramadhan last year was significant, not only because i was badly torn inside out and that month healed me, but i somehow felt so close to Him. So close. He was the only one who was able to help me, and insyaAllah with all my might, i wanna feel that closure again. InsyaAllah, with no distractions.

And now? I'm smiling :) I'm smiling because finally, i could end this post hahaha i know you're smiling, too aren't ya? hampas kunyit betol! hahaha.. and i'm smiling, because really, and truthfully, i can't find a reason not to. And it makes me feel good. nothin' wrong with that now, right? Have an awesome tuesday, folks!