What a month!

This month would be, by far, the month I think about life the most. Its the month where i gave my future more than just a mere thought. Its the month where those thoughts haunt me the most.

I used to be this strong girl, very sure of whats right for me, and whats not. Or at the very least i thought i was sure, and i was very confident with my own thoughts. Through out the years, i had more serious matters to decide on that involves a whole lot of options and a whole lot of consequences that it ate my confidence, and I would say, I'm holding on to its very last bits at the moment. But of course, there's no one to blame for this but myself, and myself only.

I've been driven by the things I love. Since I was young, what I love has always been the right things, and that gave birth to my sheer confidence. I loved to be a leader (bukan gila kuasa okayy, i'm not that kind of person lol!), and i did my very best in all of the responsibilities given to me since i was in kindergarten as the flag guardian haha to the head girl of my school. Bukan nak cakap besar, tapi i barely even tried and I had it all in my way just like that. It has thought me a lot and will always be a part of who I am and will be, and I thank Allah for giving me those chances huhu :) Ive always loved to play music, and Ive started playing ever since I was four. Yup, that piano in my house is 17 years of age, older than my sister lol. I kept playing until today, and I would say it has brought me self achievement that made some of the best days i had :) I thank Allah for that, too. I have this thing towards animals, oh I do. I love them, and find them very fascinating especially underwater creatures. This has not contributed much to my life but most definitely has profited quite a number of aquariums and zoo parks lol. I've always wanted to be the best in what ever I do. And i'll work on that. I've always loved to make people happy, and so my decisions would always be the ones that would make most people around me happy. These were the guidelines I lived by. So far, nothing in there is wrong for one to love, and I would love to do things that I love for as long as I live. But how? Would these things really make me happy? Would it allow me to achieve something more? Right when these thoughts came to mind, I knew there is a need of improvisation in those guidelines that i have.

I envy people who have their life plans set to go. They know what they want in the future, what they want to be, what they want to achieve, and how they could go by doing that. These people are confident that the path they're on will lead to their happiness. Or at least they believe it will. And that's what i need at the moment. Confidence and believing that I, too, will achieve something. But I'm not like them. I'm not the kind who plans. To be frank with you, I am not sure exactly what I want in the future. I know. Horrifying huh? Career wise especially. I love biomedical sciences, I love how it gives me the opportunity to understand His creations scientifically, logically. But, spending hours in labs, trying to discover something that would take years and years of work in a country that appreciates business making rather than cherishing new findings is not really the contribution I'm looking forward to make. After taking the course for two years and to realise this now worries me MORE!! So what exactly must I do??

And so, I met up with a number of people and talked to them. If either of you are reading this, know that I'm grateful I have you guys to say what you have said to me. Even though my journey is still guided with a vague map, but your words were definitely the magnifier, and I'm thankful for that :)

One of them is among those that I envy. He is with a future plan. I admire his determination, and at the same time, intimidated by it. He knows what he wants, and he knows how to get there. Yea he has his own contemplations, but at the very least, he's clear of certain things that's good enough to give him the drive. Not only does he have a future plan, his future plan is part of his dreams, part of something he believes will give him happiness. When I told him I'm not sure exactly what I want to be, I'm not sure what my vision is, even though he did not show it, but from his eyes, I knew he was worried for me. We talked about it for hours, and he was the only one who's talking while i was tearing away haha. One of the things that's significant to me would be how time is running out. It's true. I'm 21 now. Only Allah knows how long I have left to live, my seconds are measured, and I'm running out of them! Another thing would be how making myself happy is more vital than making other people happy when dreams are concerned. True. I've always chosen things that would logically make my parents happy and proud of me the most, but i seldom consider my own self in matters like this. He gave me two books to read as well. Thank you so much :)

Another person is not of the group, but a bit more similar to me. Apparently someone who's close to him intimidates him, too, and he feels lifeless sometimes. When I told him I'm having issues with life as well, how I'm not sure what my passion is towards and how that is going to contribute to my life, he said only one thing that made me see the whole other side of it. "Yasmin, you have a life." He would definitely enjoy life that makes him do things that he loves along the way than just at the end of it, and he pointed out that I have all the reasons to enjoy my life right now. I have my basketball, I have music, I have my studies, I have my friends, I have my loved ones, and I was on a vacation to see the world (at that time). And so why must I fret and worry about the future with the time that i have now to actually be spent on making the best with it as much as I can, while I can! That made sense.

Yet I still feel insecure without a proper plan. I know i had to have one which got me talking to another planner. This guy plans. He might not be like his ex-partner, (who in my opinion lives by plans and is the best planner I've known for my entire life!!), but I know he's very much determined with what he believes in, and part of it would be what he wants. But unfortunately, life is on a rough terrain at the moment for him, yet he is still fighting these obstacles with a strong heart. I'm proud of you :) But putting that aside, when i told him about this, he told me something that caught me by surprise. He envies a person who does what she loves along the way regardless of what it'll bring her in the end, someone like me. It makes things worthwhile. That made pure sense as well.

Last but not least, the most recent person i talked to about this would be one of my best friends. She didn't say much about it, but I know she's the greatest listener I've ever known :) Yup, i have the best planner, and the greatest listener as my best friends. I have the one with the most spirit, and also one with a voice to be heard as my best friends, too. And one with a little bit of everything and a whole lot of heart as my significant other. I'm so lucky, and overly grateful to have all of you :) Anyway, she knew my lack of enthusiasm towards the course I'm in, and lack of motivation. And so she added fuel to reverse that by saying whats important in gaining knowledge is what you can gain from it and how you can apply it rather than having it there to linger and rot. True as well.

And so after listening to all of them, I have made a conclusion. What I seek now, is balance. A balance in my vision between doing the things that I love and at the same time channeling it towards how I want it to be in years to come. Be sure to do things for the right reasons, for the right causes, for myself first before other people, and for Him before anything else. I'm with a destination, and I must have a map, and regardless of how unstable the journey may be, remember to always cherish every second. I might not be able to draw out my future now, but I know i can map out what I want in a year to come or so, or probably in a week is fair enough, too and I shall start on that first. Taking things one at a time.

I'm glad i broke down a couple of days ago.
Or else I wouldn't realise this.
What a month!