Conflicted

Sometimes,
when something hits you,
especially for the first time,
you just need time to process it,
you need space to think.

I'm so used to leading my own life,
being in charge,
I'm so used to deciding for myself,
where people just let me be,
leave me with whatever it is that i want to do,
and trust me that at the end of the day,
when i say I'll be alright,
i'll be alright.

But now that i'm sensing a change of scene,
I cant help myself but to be caught off guard,
dumfounded and conflicted,
confused with how to feel,
or how to react to it..

In some ways,
I am well relieved.
I'm tired of leading,
I'm tired of having to be uptight all the time,
And its always soothing to know,
what you do
matters to someone.
regardless of how big,
or small it is..
I guess i'm beyond happy to welcome such a change :)

But i dont want to get use to it,
if its not planning to stay..
I dont want to be blinded by it,
depended on it,
attached to it,
if its leaving me soon.
I can't afford to be vulnerable,
I can't afford to be fragile again,
not out in the open,
for it'll hurt,
like an open wound,
left to dry in a sand storm.
Imagine each sand particle,
scrapping off your bare flesh,
as the wind twirls it deeper,
and deeper into the layers of your skin.
It hurts.
The kind of hurt that'll haunt me forever.
I'm done hurting that way.

Conflicted these uncertainties are making me feel,
and i'm not sure what to make of it just yet.
I hope time is given to me,
for me to reside the infliction.
I hope if i seem reluctant,
patience will be offered.
And if i am to believe in this,
i hope it won't leave me in a dreadful way.

All trust and hopes of mine is to Him,
for He know best for all of us insyaAllah.. :)