Being There

After living for, at the very least, 22 years, you'll come across so many lessons that you couldn't help yourself but to stumble upon them the hard way. Sometimes, it'll take awhile for you to understand why they happen that way. Sometimes, these are the lessons that'll stick with you the most.

I've experienced many of those. And when i say many, i mean many. Maybe that's what life is about. Maybe thats why you're given so many years to live, so that you'll have time to understand things the hard way. So that you'll have enough time to embrace the meaning of it all. So that whatever happens to you, it'll stick, and it'll make you LEARN. For the past 5 years, i think Allah has made it purpose for me to see how His presence matters the most in any case. And how His presence is most promising. And i had to learn this, the hard way.

Eversince i was young, i've always held on to people's words. Always. Like say if my dad tells me, he'll be buying me the lastest version of tamagotchi tonight, i'll be anticipatin' on it. I'll be looking forward to it. I'll be hoping for it. I'll be sitting by the door, waiting for him to come home late at night, just to have a fast glimpse at his hands for a toys r us bag. Many of times, i get disappointed. There'll be no bag. Just a handful of emptiness. If only the things i hope for remain as just that latest version of tamagotchi.

Whenever people say, they'll be there for you, always.. or that they'll be doing things for you, regardless of how much he or she says they love you, regardless of how you'd wanna hold on to his or her words, regardless of how you wanna believe it, lemme just save you the hurt and be frank with you on this. Nobody in this world can ALWAYS be there for you. Nobody except for two. Allah. And yourself. Not me for you, not your family, not that lovely boyfriend of yours, or that beautiful girl friend of yours, not your bestest friend in the whole wide world. Its just you you yourself, and Allah. So to be safe from hurt, have that space for yourself. Have that space and hold back. Let it be your harnest.

"But that would just seem like we dont trust our love ones. Arent we suppose to trust our love ones? Arent they there to be trusted? Arent they suppose to love us unconditionally, and because of that, we should take their words?"

Cruel? hahaha fuckin' hell, stop bein' naive and smell the effin' coffee. This is one of the hardest facts in life, and you deal with it. At the end of the day, these people? They wont feel your hurt. Sometimes, they wouldn't understand you wholly. Nobody can understand you wholly. There are certain parts of you, nobody can breach. You know that. I know that, and thats another hard fact. You're wholly understandable, true, but by different people, of different parts of you. And only two who totally understands you, yet again. Allah and yourself. And plus, you should be lovin' them unconditionally as well. Tak begitu? huhu

Being this way doesn't mean that you dont love these people. It doesn't mean that you love them any less. Its because you love them, that you hold back. You're making yourself not easily hurt by these people, and thats a very good thing, dont you think? Less fights, less quarrels, less expectations, less false hopes. And you're being this way because you love yourself. And its very very important to love yourself.

This thing goes both ways. Nobody can ALWAYS be there for you.. and YOU can't ALWAYS be there for anybody. It sounds amazing, kan? To be promisin' to people that you'll always be there for that particular person, but you and i both know really well that we can never always be there for anyone. Even if we choose to, we just can't. Its not part of our capabilities to do so. We're not God. I seldom give out promises like these. I used to, when i was a naive lil girl. When the world seem black and white to me. But i'm no longer colourblind now. And havin' to learn certain things along the way, i know deep down in my heart that always being there for a particular somebody is impossible.

So, now what? Well, when you're not happy with the view outside of your window, open the front door, step out, and embrace the fresh air. Lets look at it in a different way. See, its not about ALWAYS being there for someone. Its not about the amount of time spent. Its about what they do when they're there for you, or when they can be there for you. Its about what you do when you're THERE for someone, or when you can be there for someone. Thats what matters. And thats what you should hold on to.

My dad might have not brought me that tamagotchi that particular night, but he's the first one to sense if there's anything wrong with me, even without me telling him. This bestest friend i used to have once might have not chosen her bestfriends over her useless ex-bf, but she has showed me and inspired myself to believe in myself like nobody else i know, can ever haf such an impact on me.

I've always said to myself, there's always two options in life. And one of them has that potential to make you happier. If you can see life in two ways, why choose the hurtful option when there's one that'll make you happier? Sometimes, these options aren't so obvious, but thats why learning has to be the hard way. Thats why God give us time, and that is to find that other option. To find the answers.

Simple enough, no? haha life is simple that way. Its just not easy, perhaps. But its simple.