Thursday, September 29, 2011

I feel safer that way

As you grow older, you tend to reserve a lot more to yourself. You tend to not show yourself much. You tend to, choose only a selected few to have that chance to really know you. Why?

I was walking back to my room in KL from my faculty, when around me were a bunch of my coursemates, walking along as well. Right there and then, a thought crossed my mind. There they were. People whom i've been with for the past 3 years. There they were, and i dont even know who they really are, whats their favourite colour, or what they are like. There they were, and they don't know ME, and how I am, or how i'm really like. 3 years ain't a short period of time, and yet neither of us could find the time to get to know each other more. With that thought, i plugged both of my earphones into my ears, and parted away from the group.

Perhaps its my fault. They seem to get along well together, with each other. It is only I who tend to mind my own business. Perhaps thats the fault. I tend to mind my own business, too much lol. But then again, if i were to give another shot at this, something tells me i wouldn't be doing things any differently. Pity me, call me arrogant for always being alone here, but i just find it more comfortable to be that way. It didn't happen this way because people couldn't accept me or anythin, or i hated anybody, it happened this way because I chose it to be this way. I chose to part. I choose to be alone :)

There were people who'd come up to me and ask, why do i do these things alone? Well, aside from me feeling it to be more comfortable being that way, i guess i just want to get use to the idea. I wanna keep reminding myself, that hey, i can handle things alone. I dont really need to depend on anybody. I wanna get use to not have expectations on things i dont have control on. I wanna get use to not asking people for help. I wanna get use to the idea that i myself can make me happy if i want to. Coz if your happiness depends on the doings of any particular person? You're in huge trouble my friend. HUGE trouble. And i dont wanna be in huge trouble.

One of my ex-es used to say, that he feels safe when he's alone. Better yet, he feels much closer to Him when he's alone. Before meeting this ex of mine, i never really appreciated the meaning of depending on myself. Instead, i used to depend on people to make me happy. I used to think that these people around me, are the reasons why im content, and i haf nothin' to do with it. I never really understood how he could feel safer when he's alone. Or how he could feel at company by being alone. Oh that boy totally showed me what he meant by it alright. He showed me and gave me a strong reason to be that way. And i can't help but to admit that he is right. Being alone does make u feel secure. Being alone makes you feel, stronger.

Sometimes, all the company you need, is yourself. And i find it rather important to make yourself reliable towards yourself. I think its important to make yourself a support system that you can trust. That you can rely on. Because people? They come and go. And your heart? It tires. It feels exhaustion. It feels hurt. We need a plan B. This is our plan B. This is my back up plan.

As you grow older, you tend to reserve a lot more things to yourself. You tend to keep things to yourself. You tend to not show much. You tend to choose only a selected few to have that privilege to get to know you. Why? I tend to be more reserved now than ever because i seldom find a reason not to be that way now. It makes me feel invincible, like i dont matter. And i like it to be that way. I feel safer that way.

1 comment:

  1. I guess you have found the difference between being lonely and solace.
    “Language…has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone. And it has created the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone”
    Paul Tillich (German born, American Theologian & Philosopher)