Thursday, September 30, 2010

uncomfortably fast!!

fact uno: i can blog with my phone now, for free! whhoopppeyy!!!! Hahahaha friends, u're right, mmg ada hikmah i lost my phone :D

fact deux: i cant believe its friday already huhu.. This week has been nothing but HECTIC! Lab sessions were from 9 to 5, basketball practice is immediately after that, and by the time i have time to waste (haha :p), ill be too tired to do anything, and will end up sleeping till the morning. But a whole lot of cool things happened this week. We get to disect rats, and it sure has been awhile lol. Its a mini project to test out the effects of paracetamol (ur panadol) to the liver of rats. Im nt gonna explain everything here, bt if ure interested, do ask n ill be glad to answer! Hahaha :p neway, the freakiest tg was this accident that happened. We were cutting thru the ribs of the rat, to locate the heart, n yes, it was still alive and under anaesthetics. It was suppose to be dead, bt i guess this one was a fighter. A true fighter that he managed to wear off the anaesthetic effects and woke up while it was still opened up and shit. AND IT JUMPED OFF THE FREAKIN TABLE!!! Gilaaa pokok kelapa betul!! I cudnt stand watching it that way, i had to walk away. It was too cruel to witness huhu imagine urself undergoing an operation, and all of a sudden u woke up in the mid of the freakin' operation.. shheeshhh!!! Huhuhu bt it was in a way cool as well lol. Something u won't see everyday folks :p

fact 3 (i forgot how u spell 3 in french :P) : after a month plus, i finally was able to sleep on my own again hehe before ths, i had to commute from home everyday or crash someone's room because of the whole break down thg. Tell me ur proud of me! :D

fact quatre: found my 'justin long' at starbucks yesterday! Lol so yea, paid starbucks a visit to buy cake for a friend's bday, n there he was, entertaining the customer in front of me. He had the looks, all boyish, cute smile (tabley bla analyse anak org hahaha :p), bt i Thought hed be those typical malaysian cashiers ya know, asking u for ur order, this and that.. I was totally wrong. he def was nt typical, n was soo friendly in a professional way that made me felt like i was in the uk buying hot chocolate or somethin'.. He had justin long's vibe alright Hahaha and when it was my turn to order, he straight away asked me if i was from jalan 3.. Holy smack!! Firstly, He recognizes me hahaha n 2ndly, he was from jalan 3. Hw come i didn't knw a guy like that exist in jalan 3??? Hahahaha bt yea, we chatted for a bit, and it really made my day :p

fact qinc: sukem starts tmrw, wish me luck!! Altho ive yet to truly discover my passion towards basketballl again huhuu.

And thats about it for this week! I have two assignments to be submitted today, and i barely did a thg hahaha awesomeness. Oh and ive gotten my results, they weren't as bad as i was expecting it to be considering the whole drama i had to deal with at that time. Alhamdullilah :)

Monday, September 27, 2010


So yea,
I guess you can say that i'm in a state of depression at the moment.
Nothing new there,
I mean come on, its like freakin' obvious??

But you know,
I've gained quite a sight by being this way,
It has opened my eyes to a whole new scenery,
and it usually happens thru random moments.

Yesterday for example, i had music class. The class was at 10:45, and i came a bit early as usual, around 10:30. When i came, Ken was in the room, playing a classical piece on his guitar.. and the moment i heard him play (i seldom hear him play a classical piece), it reminded me again of how i love classical pieces, songs which no one listens to lol. I mean, at one point within the past few months, i'll be honest with you. I almost gave that interest up, not because i don't love it, but because no one does the same, and people find me boring. Yes, i've been losing myself since months ago.. lol. But at that very moment, when i heard him play, that doubt that i had disappeared at an instance, and this may sound cheesy, but i felt lucky to be able to appreciate such beautiful sounds.. haha So what if others couldn't do the same? So what if you find me boring? i find it a unique-ness of mine :P and at that instance, the passion to play just came back to me, and i'm all into classical guitar again :) It reminded me of the main reason why i was there, and it was for myself. No one else but myself.

Later that evening, i got a call from a darlin' tart :) So happens that her mom invited my sister and I to her aunt's open house. It was so random, but i went with it anyway, and this brought us all the way to seri kembangan. I was nervous in a way, apparently, these people know me, or at least, they've heard of me huhu. There, i met with her family. Her aunts and uncles, cousins lol. But one of them really caught my attention. Heidi (i dont know how its spelt), they call her. This girl has attitude! hahaha its the kind of attitude where everything has to go her own way, and she responds to other people with such bitterness haha, yeaa, some may find it annoying, i would understand why lol, but the only thing i felt when i met this girl, was pure amazement. Here's a kid, who didn't care what others think of her, acts in her own world, voices out whatever thats on her mind, in which ever way she wants regardless of the circumstances, and she'll face those circumstances with a strong front. I miss having that freedom. To be bold. To just do things for your own self. Not that we can't be that way, but as we mature, we tend to consider more things, sometimes too much for our own good. Kan? Lemme give you an example. When i was young, at the age of 11 back in ny, the moment the clock struck 5 during the summer, i hurriedly perform my prayers, patu terus keluar pegi main. I didn't care about anything else, all i knew at that time, was to go out, and play. Now, kalau nak pegi mana2, macam2 kena pikir. Bazir minyak tak? Ada masa ke? Family mesti nak kita kat rumah to spend time with them.. this and thaat.. last2, teros tak jadi hahaha. I guess, as we grow older, more matured is the better way of saying it lol, we can't afford to be that bold, we will lose that luxury to be that selfish, bit by bit.. Bummer huh? Well, don't give up hope just yet. Maybe it is too late to be bold as a 10 year old now, but it is not too late to be bold as a 21 year old. It may not be as bombastic as how Heidi struts it (oh boy, i envy her lol :P), but its waay more bombastic to be bold now than in ten years time, when we start to have a family, work, more obligations.. no space to be bold lol. Now is the time to do things for yourself, to define yourself. Now is the time to try things, experience new turnings, gain knowledge. Now is the time to test yourself, your own true self. Now is the time to be by yourself! To put yourself first before any one else. Coz if you dont, you never will, and forever will you not discover a hidden wonder :)

the moment i reached home, my mom greeted me with an instruction as usual lol, and she asked me to deliver food to one of our neighbours, and so i went after maghrib. There, i met with the auntie and her kids, and also the auntie's mom. An very old lady, whom i think have lost some of her marbles. Every time when i meet her, she would say the same thing, "Cuu, selamat hari raya cuu.. lawa cuu ni, putih2 hehehehe" hahahaha! :P Oh come on, its my blog anyway :P But regardless of her sanity, she is one of the most pleasant ladies i have ever met. She asked me what i may be when i grow up, i told her something scientific.. and she told me to be a pilot instead, as there are not that many girls doing that. Either that, or join the army.. hahahahha goodness.. Piloting, i can consider. Army? mehh :P So i chatted with her, and all of a sudden, she asked me to play the piano. Yes, they have an old piano at home, and the piano sounded beautifully awesome. I wish i have a real piano, a grand piano.. but i wanna buy it with my own money one day.. oh wow, hahaha it'll be one of the first furnitures i'll buy for my future house! cheyyy :P So this grandma kept requesting songs, and i played as she sang along.. lagu P ramlee semua keluar haha she laughed and smiled, as if she really enjoyed it.. the whole family did. Not to be boastful but the granddaughter felt like crying hearing me play lol.. And I like that feeling. That feeling of having the capability to effect someone in a good way.. I'm not saying im a good pianist, i'm not. As a matter of fact, i dont really know how to play.. But i'm glad with how much that i can play, i can make others feel better :) and to see that grandma laugh and smile that way was totally the highlight of my day.. I felt like crying at that instance itself.. huhu.. at that very moment, i felt grateful and i am still grateful to Him for showing me all this. For allowing me to have what i have now.. For allowing me to be who i am.. i wudn't be any better as anyone else huhu Things on earth won't last forever, i know, but for as long as i have whatever i have with me, i shall try my best to put them to good use for as long as i can.. When i was about to leave, I salam the grandma, and she said to me,

"Cuu, cuu ngaji elok2 eh cuu.. hehehe tok akan doakan cuu.. asmara2 tu ketepikan je cuu.. takmo semua2 tu ehh?"

huhu.. if i could be as bold as Heidi time tuh, i would have hugged the nenek and cried.. hmm :)

Funny how random things can affect you..

Saturday, September 25, 2010


I've made up my mind.
I'm going to New York City :)

oh and to whom it may concern,
you don't have to be sorry,
I dont want you to regret,
we made the right decision,
coz i've just realised something..

That I need to live as a 21 year old..
So badly..
and i couldn't do that with you..
But at the same time,
i wouldn't have realised that,
if it all didn't happen either,
so ya know what?
Thank You Sooooo much!
n please,
don't be sorry,
i dont need it :)

Wednesday, September 22, 2010



Huhuhuhu i've tried my best to hold in anger,
i've tried to be optimistic,
but im just too sick of this,
this will pass,
i know,
but at this very fucking moment,
i'm mad..
and dari pegi amek dadah, bunuh diri,
i choose to curse my effin arse out,


Tuesday, September 21, 2010


Now is the season where everybody post their raya pics on fb lol.
mmg tak sah laa kalau kawan tu melayu, and tade 1 pon gambar raya kan..
and while browsing thru these photos,
I came to realise one thing,
that everybody is beautiful,
in their own way.

Everybody is beautiful.
And i do mean physically.
I'm not kidding.
Yea, this particular person may not be of my taste,
but he or she is still beautiful.
Tak kira la muka dia kene deform ke ape ke,
ada jerawat ke apa,
tapi if you look closely at his or her natural look,
mmg sgt sgt beautiful sebenarnya..

So apa yang buat seseorang tu buruk?
Kenapa sampai org boleh kata seseorang tu buruk?
One word.
The heart.
And in this case,
it could be of two hearts.
1. Hati yang ckp seseorang tu buruk is too clouded to see and cherish the beauty in others
2. Org tu sendiri doesn't have the heart to portray him or herself confidently and sincerely.

Ever heard of, beauty comes from within?
This is it.
Allah has given you your beautiful self,
Apa yang tak sempurna?
Tak ada.
Bukan tu sahaja,
each and everyone of us, tade satu pon rupa yang sama.
All of us are unique, physically in our own way..
MasyaAllah.. huhu
So we are already naturally beautiful..

So whats left is for us to maintain that..
Preserve His blessings..
He gave it to us, for us to keep, to cherish,
to take good care,
and for as long as we do that with the right niat,
the right way,
that beauty within will out stand any ugliness one can find towards you..

Beauty nowadays has become too superficial,
Too materialistic,
Some think having all these things on them will make them look hotter,
I mean if its for a boast of confidence,
sure! Why not kan?
Tapi kkdg, sampai its all about having all that,
and thats not right..
Maintain physically is an easy thing to do,
A bit of touch up here and there,
and voila,
u're all done! :)
Nak rupa macam sape?
Lady Gaga?
go all white blonde and LVish haha!
Get electrocuted haha
But what if semua benda tu tade?
What will happen?
Will that last?
Not as long as a touch up of the heart huhu :)

I dont believe we are here to perfect or be perfected,
But I do believe we are here to strive for the best,
To be the best we can as our ownselves,
With our strengths and weaknesses
coz no one can ever do that, but diri kita sendiri..
and so we should fulfill that destiny!
Having this confidence in ourselves,
Having this goal,
And having the sincerity to fulfill this,
is pure hotness baybeh! hahaha :)

and paling penting,
and whats at heart..

I've lost myself..
I've drifted..
And i've never been so hideous in my own eyes after living for 21 years..
I've yet to recover..
But insyaAllah, with His strength and His will,
I'm hoping to bounce back..
And so, all this goes for me too..
Kita sama2 la look out for each other kay?
Especially brothers and sisters yang sesama Islam..
Sesama share knowledge, and guidance..
We're here for each other :)
And He will always be there for us if we seek Him :)

Friday, September 17, 2010

Everyday is a fighting battle

Its hard to live when you're demotivated.
Especially when you're demotivated to do anything.
To eat.
To take a bath.
To sleep.
To talk.
To meet people.
To smile.
To laugh.
To cry.

So it is a nikmat to have the drive,
the drive to eat,
and to do all those things,
and we should be thankful for that :)

I've never been this demotivated in my whole entire life,
I started to be demotivated about basketball after MASUM,
and i haven't really played ever since.
I'm suppose to handle the basketball team next week for SUKEM.
But i can't seem to find the motivation to do so.

I started to be demotivated to handle the biomedical sciences club,
when there's just too many things happening at once,
and i feel burdened by it.

But i had support from someone,
He kept reminding me of what im capable of,
Of what i want to do..
And now that he's gone,
I'm demotivated to do anything..
Not that i do things for him,
I do things for Allah,
I have that niat embedded in my heart,
But the demotivation comes too often,
It sucks.
I have 6 assignments to do,
and i've yet to complete one.
I seldom eat.
I feel unhealthy.
and I dont feel good at all.
And its just soo eeky to be in such a state you know?

They say to not think about it that much,
I tried to keep myself busy by being with others,
helping others.
One, so that i'll make someone feel good,
and i'll feel good.
Two, so that i'll get physically tired and that will drain the thoughts away.
But i can't seem to keep myself busy with the things that i'm suppose to do.
Not good.

Every second is a fighting battle for me,
I think being demotivated is the worse disease one could get,
and i'm suppose to be optimistic,
not the other way around.
I hate this.

Yesterday was tough,
I tried my best to not make things awkward,
To be cool when he's in front of me,
Kept myself busy to keep my mind off things,
To not see things,
But it was tough.
Especially when shes there.
I knew i wasn't strong enough for it all,
But i had good reasons to go thru it,
I love his family,
And we click so well..
even with my sister..
I hope and wish this thing that im going thru with him,
won't affect my friendship with his family..

I'm trying every single appropriate approach that i can find to handle this,
and yet none sticks!
I'm worried. I need my life back.
I want my life back.
Please give me my life back..

Everyday is a fighting battle,
and to those who care,
I need help..
I can't do this alone..

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Dearest darlin pumpkin pie


Why did you leave me dearest??
Where did you go dearest?
I've searched for you everywhere,
Under mats,
in and out of my handbag,
under my CAR,
oh where did you go??


Tuesday, September 14, 2010


I'm tired
I'm done
I have totally lost my faith in you.

This feeling of hurt,
if you wanna be here with me for a loooong time,
then fine.
You've already killed my heart anyway.
Whats to kill next?
My spirit?
Oh, you're nearly there with that too.
Go ahead.
Be my guest.
Kill it all,
because they make me WEAK.

I shall no longer take any of this anymore,
I'm done being pathetic.
I'm done being stupid and ridiculous.

Leave one thing, and only one,
and that is a practical mind.

You dont wanna help me?
Like i said,
i'm as good as dead to you.
My mind tells me you can't handle me.
It has always been my heart who had faith in you.
But now that you helped killing it..
I guess there shouldn't be anything in me much that'll still be rooting for you now kan?

I've gotten my wake up call.
Enough is enough

Monday, September 13, 2010


I saw a spark of sense,
I felt again what i've been missing for months perhaps,
and that is myself..
Myself being young.

I had to do a lot of pushing,
it needed a lot of strength,
But today gave me hope,
that I might get thru this just fine..

Today brought me to see a lot of things,
I met a family who's bond is like no other,
Funny how each of them have their own problems,
and yet they're there for each other,
and who glues them together?
The mother.
I admire the mother.
So much.
I admire mothers who can talk to their kids as a friend and a mother.
Because i know not all mothers can do that..

I miss my family..
I feel distant from them..
Not because I pushed them away,
But i guess they just don't know how to approach me,
when i'm facing with problems of my own,
truthfully speaking,
they have never approached me,
21 years of living,
and i believe i'd always find solutions on my own..
Every single time.
They supported me along the way though,
oh Ya Allah, yes they have,
and i'm so grateful for that..

But with the current situation,
I thought being around,
when they can't do much about it,
would just make them more sad,
and so I left for a day..
I left everything..
and I'm glad i did..

Today made me see my true opinions on happiness,
And i dont believe possessions would do it,
I live not to earn money,
For i know that wouldn't make me happy..
But I live to earn experiences,
to gain knowledge,
and to appreciate the beauty of His creations..
I was asked if i were to choose between living with a datuk who's gatal tapi a millionaire,
and a petani who loves me for who i am tapi miskin, who would I choose?
I would most definitely go with the petani.
Maybe it would seem a bit cliche to believe in true love,
Maybe its safer for me to be a bit more skeptical,
and i'd be poor and uncomfortable, can i bear with that?
Its going to be hard, true.
But from my significant other,
I need someone who can guide me, appreciate me, respect me and love me for who i am and for the right reasons,
Itu je.
I can work with being poor, both of us can if we really want to make things work,
I dont need to dine in a fancy restaurant,
I dont need big cars, and huge bungalows to live in,
But i can't live with someone who can't appreciate me..
I'd rather be alone i think.. huhu

Of course, partnership would only be like 40-50% of the total happiness you should aim for,
the rest is up to your ownself to find.
And one reliable way to gain this,
is to set your heart straight,
your mind right,
and do things for the right reasons,
for Him,
and you actually mean it.
InsyaAllah, ultimate happiness will come to you.

I'm not sure whats to happen tomorrow,
This glimpse of hope may just disappear in the morning,
Things may be horrible again,
Its been that way,
the moment im about to stand up again,
something will slap me back to the ground..
As usual..
and so I'm expecting the usual,
The morning ache,
the tears,
and then i should be off for another adventure.. :)
Pray for me.. :)

Saturday, September 11, 2010

2 weeks..

Its been 2 weeks,
and yet the pain has not resided,
Not even an inch,
sometimes i feel as if it hurts more now than before..

They say having faith,
and hold on to yourself will get u thru,
And those two things are the only things that are helping me at the moment,
But having them sometimes make things difficult as well..

All of the things that i love dearly,
simply hurts now..
Cute cartoons,
Recitation of the Quran,
All of them hurt me..
At the sight of them,
Or a whisper of them,
or even a thought..

But i can't stop loving them now can I?
You can never stop loving something,
or someone..
Unless if it comes naturally
And why must I stop?
Its so wrong to stop..
They've made me so myself,
and happy once,

But having them around hurt now..
And letting them go will hurt me worse..

I can't take this anymore..
Its too painful..

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


Life is like a fairytale. Fiction.
Life is beautiful in every way. Fact.

So what if i find the beauty in every detail?
So what if i make one of my ways of life,
just to embrace and appreciate how beautiful it is?
Its one of His signs..
Its an opportunity..
We should grab it..
It should be seen that way, shouldn't it?

Whats the use in achieving things,
In wanting to be things,
wanting to do things,
But not open your heart,
let down your pride and ego,
and accept its beauty??

and when you have it all,
you don't feel a thing..
Whats the use in that?
Tell me..

Life is cruel.
Life is shitty.
But it is also beautiful if you really look at it in a different angle..
and if you can see its beauty from another angle,
why choose other angles???
Why make life harder for yourself??

So don't tell me i'm all dreamy to think life is always beautiful,
I pity those who can't accept this,
Its like you're on a ride,
and before you know it,
you're off the ride dah..
without experiencing the loops, the high falls,
the adrenaline and excitement..

and so what if i get heart broken,
if i get false hopes this way?
At least im making the best out of the ride im on

Someone once told me,
its like im on a hunting event,
gave a few shots,
didn't get any birds,
and that particular someone will give up..
but i'm the kind that ill try my best until i at least hit them..
Fulfill my initial objective..
You know what,
you're right..
that is me.

And that has been me all this while..
So if any one of you can't handle that..
If any one of you can't appreciate that,
maybe its good that you leave..
As to what my dad told me to tell these people,

Take a walk..

Having a heart is not easy

Having a heart is not easy,
For what it wants
may not be whats best for you atm,
And whats worse,
when you don't follow it,
it makes you feel horrible for not following it

Sometimes the guidelines are clear,
and yet the heart tends to cloud it..
by its temptations and desires..

Having a heart is not easy,
It makes you feel..
It hopes for things,
It breaks..

Saturday, September 4, 2010

All i wanted was to do good,
Good for people,
For myself,
For Him..

All I wanted was to do good,
How can that turn out to be so wrong?
Please help me,

I dont know how else to deal with this,
Please show me how..

Please Ya Allah,
I'm begging You
for Your forgiveness and guidance..