Friday, September 17, 2010

Everyday is a fighting battle

Its hard to live when you're demotivated.
Especially when you're demotivated to do anything.
To eat.
To take a bath.
To sleep.
To talk.
To meet people.
To smile.
To laugh.
To cry.

So it is a nikmat to have the drive,
the drive to eat,
and to do all those things,
and we should be thankful for that :)

I've never been this demotivated in my whole entire life,
I started to be demotivated about basketball after MASUM,
and i haven't really played ever since.
I'm suppose to handle the basketball team next week for SUKEM.
But i can't seem to find the motivation to do so.

I started to be demotivated to handle the biomedical sciences club,
when there's just too many things happening at once,
and i feel burdened by it.

But i had support from someone,
He kept reminding me of what im capable of,
Of what i want to do..
And now that he's gone,
I'm demotivated to do anything..
Not that i do things for him,
I do things for Allah,
I have that niat embedded in my heart,
But the demotivation comes too often,
It sucks.
I have 6 assignments to do,
and i've yet to complete one.
I seldom eat.
I feel unhealthy.
and I dont feel good at all.
And its just soo eeky to be in such a state you know?

They say to not think about it that much,
I tried to keep myself busy by being with others,
helping others.
One, so that i'll make someone feel good,
and i'll feel good.
Two, so that i'll get physically tired and that will drain the thoughts away.
But i can't seem to keep myself busy with the things that i'm suppose to do.
Not good.

Every second is a fighting battle for me,
I think being demotivated is the worse disease one could get,
and i'm suppose to be optimistic,
not the other way around.
I hate this.

Yesterday was tough,
I tried my best to not make things awkward,
To be cool when he's in front of me,
Kept myself busy to keep my mind off things,
To not see things,
But it was tough.
Especially when shes there.
I knew i wasn't strong enough for it all,
But i had good reasons to go thru it,
I love his family,
And we click so well..
even with my sister..
I hope and wish this thing that im going thru with him,
won't affect my friendship with his family..

I'm trying every single appropriate approach that i can find to handle this,
and yet none sticks!
I'm worried. I need my life back.
I want my life back.
Please give me my life back..

Everyday is a fighting battle,
and to those who care,
I need help..
I can't do this alone..

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