Unspoken words

There are a lot of things left unspoken between us.
Too many things.
I know.
But i wish it didn't have to be that way.
I wish, i could just go to you at any time of the day,
Just to tell you everything.
But even after knowing you for 21 years,
being with you for 21 years,
living with you for 21 years,
I can't do so.

It saddens me sometimes,
Eats me on the inside,
because for not knowing you,
and for you to not know me like you should,
I may have said the wrong things,
I may have not done what i should,
I may have broken your heart when i shouldn't,
I may have sinned..

But just so you know,
Out of everyone that I've met,
Out of everyone that i have or had in my life,
Never has anyone make the most out of me,
like you do.
And this person i am today?
know that it has been shaped mostly,
by you,
and no one else.
Not the bestest friend i have
and ever will have in the whole wide world.
(He's the most awesome guy by the way,
You've chosen well lol.
And i wish we could share the same bond as to how i do with him,
One day perhaps)
And i dont know how that would make you feel,
but its one thing that i'm very proud of having.
It is.

I hope and pray that you'll find peace at heart in this life,
and receive His blessings always
I love you.
I've always had, and forever will.
:)

Undiscovered Colours

While others listen to some pop, RnB, or a guitar accoustic hit, call me boring, but here's what i'd be listening to. My own, custom-made, personal drug, yea, you can call it that hahahaha a big huge Thank You to "The FlashBulb" for creating such a masterpiece :D

A song like this makes you think..
or at least it makes me think.
Sets you at a level of peace and serenity
with your own judgments and thoughts..
And need not of even a word to bring you there..
Just a combination of sounds
and a bit of self interpretation..

:)

Everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold

Crush a bit, little bit, roll it up, take a hit
Feelin’ lit feelin’ light, 2 am summer night.
I don't care, hand on the wheel, drivin drunk, I'm doin’ my thang
Rollin the Midwest side and out livin’ my life getting’ out dreams
People told me slow my roll I'm screaming out fuck that
Imma do just what I want lookin’ ahead no turnin’ back
if I fall if I die know I lived it till the fullest
if I fall if I die know I lived and missed some bullets

Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’
you don't really know about nothin’ nothin’
tell me what you know about them night terrors every night
5 am, cold sweats wakin’ up to the skies
tell me what you know about dreams, dreams
tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin’
you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow
rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow

I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold
I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good

Pain in the neck

I have this stinging pain in the neck and it effin' hurts! lol But obviously, that ain't what i'll be talking about today. Today's topic my fair readers, would be of a term all of us are familiar with. A term some fear, get nightmares from! lol some even get heart attacks by hearing the very first syllable of it. OKay, im exaggerating hahaha. Its this thing thats so freakin' significant in MALAYSIA apparently, and its what we called exams. YES! E. X.A.M.S. lol

So i was scribbling through my answer sheet for haematology a few hours ago, blabbed about leukemia, and how it'll cause normocytic normochromic anemia, thrombocytopenia, blabbed about surface antigens on our erythrocytes, and how we have natural antibodies that could trigger immunological responses if say the.... well you get the picture, and i wouldn't wanna bore u with the details HAHA but newho, i was doing that, and then i stopped half way and thought to myself.. by the end of this whole exam period yea, say by the time i reach 22 which is AROUND THE CORNER ladies and gentlemen, AROUND THE CORNER hahahaha!!, by that time, if say some hobo comes up to me and ask the difference between Von Willebrand Disease and Haemophilia B, i can bet with you 10 bucks that i'd go, "Von Wille WHAT??" hahahahaha and Im not kidding.

This has happened a lot of times! Took parasitology last semester didnt i? yea, and im having trouble spelling lumbercoides already! lumbracoides? or was it lambrucoides? oh FDS! So then, whats the purpose of sitting for the exams in the first place when you'll end up not understanding it again in the future? Familiarity sake? Well, you can gain that by reading. Test your memory? There's always those memory games you can play online, saves you all the night lights u'd turn on to memorise all your notes. Test your capability under pressure? WHYYYY would you wanna torture other people again??? huhuhu Maybe its to test the level of understanding? Perhaps. But would a two hour paper, to test 19 chapters which we had to study in over only a month do it justice??

We watch movies dont we? Scenes in universities, of how lectures give lectures, and students would shoot their hands in the air and ask questions here and there. I was like that once, when i was doing my matriculation program. Why? I was given ample time to appreciate the knowledge that i get, even better, i was motivated to look for extra information. Yes, all the nights i spent in libraries.. i miss those days.. huhu yes, call me a nerd, call me a geek, but i was happy with what i was doing, i was happy studying. But then i entered Uni, thought it be the same. No, i thought it would be better. But having 26 creditted hours per semester? With all the compulsory extra curricular activities i had to complete? That just snaps out all the motivation appreciation shit out of the picture.. and im all frustrated by it.

A lecturer of mine brought up this issue once. She said students nowadays can't seem to appreciate the knowledge given. And she suggested we write down every word she had to say up front so that we could focus more. I just had to laugh when she suggested such a thing. As if that would actually help? What will help though, is that these exams? Abolish them. Instead, do a short quiz at the end of each chapter. That way, we will be able to narrow down our focus, and really focus on that particular thing rather than having the burden of 19 chapters at the end of each semester, and that is only for ONE FREAKING subject. We usually get 8 subjects per semester which is all similarly as heavy. Imagine that. And exams shouldn't be about facts, it should be about perspectives. How students take facts and turn them into a stand. And that would develop maturity alongside with it. Wouldn't that be better?? Rather than having us strenuously memorizing all these facts, puke them out on paper at the day of the exam, and bring along nothing after that. Some of you might say, its possible, if you manage your time properly, understand what you read, and dont memorize them.. but really, is it possible?? Probably, if you dont have a life! I have a life, and I dont think i have any other choice but to memorise the knowledge i gain here, and not appreciate them fully. This saddens me. I dont wanna spend 4 years studying something that i cant gain nething from after that.. huhu

And then there's these people who thinks we're not contributing much during lectures. I agree with these people. We're not contributing much during lectures, its more of a one way communication thing when it should be a two-way learning process. And you know whats the problem? I kept on blaming how we were brought up to be. Yea, i kept on saying how we weren't thought to speak out, things like that. But i dont think thats the case now. I think its coz we ourselves do not have our own stand. So how to speak out when we have nothing to say? And why do we have nothing to say? Simple. Its coz we dont really understand the knowledge, thus we dont appreciate it, much less care about it, which ends up having nothing to say about it, WHICH IS TOTALLY SAD!!! huhuhuhu.. and this is the problem when we have no other choice but to MEMORIZE what we HAVE to know, JUST to pass the FREAKIN' exams, and not really appreciate the knowledge. urrghhh!! Our education system SUCKS. BIG TIME.

And so after having all these thoughts running through my head while i was answering haematology, and then i looked back at the question sheet that was given.. i cant help myself, but to spread a cynical smile across my face.

My neck really hurts.

PS: Its Ascaris lumbricoides btw. lol

Wednesday's random conversations :)

I was late for class..
But I was not quite concern about my late attendance.
Its been that way ever since class started after raya holidays.
I skipped a whole lot of classes too after raya holidays..
HAHAHAHAHA i guess i'm losing my nerd title? :P

Anyway, so i was walking to the bus stop,
and i stumbled upon a friend of mine.
Alan Cha Ming Han.
He was late, too lol, but i was not surprised.
We started talking,
about studies,
subjects to choose next semester,
family,
and future plans.

Apparently, he was okay with the idea of not having a family.
But his concern was to one day, join 'Doctors without Borders',
as a volunteer.

That has been one of my dreams too,
to visit countries like africa,
the middle east,
and just help out as much as you can you know..

So i was intrigued by his plans,
and he also introduced me to his present plans.
Apparently he is freakin'ly active!
He would join all these programs, talks, conferences,
One of the activities that caught my attention was this saving the turtles program.
He actually stayed at the beach for like a week or so, just to tag turtles, and observe them day and night.. And he would snorkel all day long to watch out for turtles. I dont mind doing that for a living actually! huhu he also mentioned this seahorse preservation program as well. Its somewhere in November. I was thinking of going for that one.

Basically, if you wanna hang out with this guy, you've gotta book him a month earlier or else he wouldn't be free lol. But i'm amazed by him, by his will and capability of joining all these programs. I would love to be the same way. And maybe i should. Now is the time for these things anyway, i'm 21. And i have the whole world to explore, might as well start now kan? And i do have plans. I've always wanted to travel anyway, and from now on, i'll make sure to go somewhere new every sem break.. insyaAllah.. :)

So we got on the bus,
and continued talking along the journey to our faculty,
and we started to talk about expenses..
With all the activities, plus food,
he has calculated to be spending about rm10 per day.
Dat aint bad kan???
:)
Did i mention to you that he's also one of the top scorers in our batch?
Pretty awesome huh.. :)

Later that day, after the prize giving ceremony for the toxicology presentation,
Jason, our group leader decided to treat us McD at bukit bintang..
and all of us went.
On our way home, i kinda had a one on one chat with Jason.
He was worried about his pre reg for next semester.
Apparently he didn't pass the 3 point border, and couldn't register for his electives.
He also said that he was not interested with the course.
I don't blame him,
I felt lost lately as well.
And then i asked him, what exactly does he like to do?
and he answered, "Play"
hahahaha yea, totally the opposite from Alan,
he's more of the laid back type of guy who likes to play around.
and i asked, does he have any hobbies?
He said no, the only thing he loves to do is sit at home, watch tv, and read books.
Lol..

So these two conversations got me thinking,
about how I wanna spend my years, days, hours,
now that i still have them..
I've been a whole lot of Jason lately,
been skipping classes,
skipping assignments,
have yet to revise a thing..
I kinda lost my passion along the way..
and i feel disgusted with myself ya know..
being this way is so not me..
i mean, its fun tho.. hahaha you get to just float here and there,
without caring lol..
but thats the thing, you'd only float by being that way,
but you can never fly..

I wanna fly..
I wanna do things,
Be someone..
Alan has put a lot of things into perspective for me that day,
he reminded me of what i wanna do..
I want to see the world,
Learn,
Understand,
Appreciate,
Contribute
If not by helping or aiding,
i wouldn't mind teaching..
But i've got to have a stronger heart,
I need a stronger heart..
and im working on that..

Oh how i love random things :)

The laughter penetrates my silence, as drunken men find flaws in science

I find the map and draw a straight line
Over rivers, farms, and state lines
The distance from 'A' to where you'd be
It's only finger-lengths Jobby that I see
I touch the place where I'd find your face
My finger in creases of distant dark places

I hang my coat up in the first bar
There is no peace that I've found so far
The laughter penetrates my silence
As drunken men find flaws in science

Their words mostly noises
Ghosts with just voices
Your words in my memory
Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
I, I pray that something picks me up
And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far
We'd set the fire to the third bar
We'd share each other like an island
Until exhausted, close our eyelids
And dreaming, pick up from
The last place we left off
Your soft skin is weeping
A joy you can't keep in

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
And I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I'm miles from where you are,
I lay down on the cold ground
and I, I pray that something picks me up
and sets me down in your warm arms

I can see through you

And you
Can bring me to my knees
Yeah

All this time
That I could make you breathe
Yeah

All the times
That I felt insecure
Yeah

And I leave
A burning path of flame

(Chorus)
I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re Ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All this time
That I felt like this won’t add
Once for you

And I taste
What I could never have
It’s from you

All those times
That I tried
My intentions
Full of pride
And I waist
More time than anyone

I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

All the times
That I’ve cried
All that’s wasted
It’s all inside

And I feel
All this pain
Stuffed it down
It’s back again

And I lie
Here in bed
All alone
I can’t mend

And I feel
Tomorrow will be okay
But I know

That I’m on the outside
I’m looking in
I can see through you
See your true colors
Cause inside you’re ugly
You’re ugly like me
I can see through you
See to the real you

And then..

Alas, Friday!!
And then the weekends,
Another week of hecticness,
Another Friday,
Another weekend,
Finals,
Another weekend,
Finals,
Another weekend,
Final of the FINALS,
and then whooopeyy!!!!!!!!!
THE HOLIDAYS!!

And then a number of weekends,
and WHOPPPEEYY!!!
CHINA here i come!!

And then a number of weekends,
and.. i'll be 22.
hmm...

and then a whole lot of weekends,
and i'll be over with the semester,
with my third year studies,
I. CANT. WAIT.

4am in the morning

something is not right..
And i dont like this..
:)

Patience and Perseverance

When you were standing in the wake of devastation
When you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Your insides crying, "Save me now"
You were there, impossibly alone.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failures all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go.
Let it go.

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
With no one there to catch you in their arms.

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failures all you've known.
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go.
Let it go.

~Linkin Park's Iridescent~

Real and truth

Randomness has been quite a good friend lately. It got me to see, to listen, to understand, and to consider. And while scanning through thoughts in my head, a question came to mind. Real and truth. Are they of the same thing?

What is real? Real would be something that exists, physically. That makes you feel, that occupies space and time. Truth? Truth is a factual state that is pure. They sound the same don't they? But are they the same? I would say a definite no no.

One way to see it, would be a speculation. A speculation is real. It happens, it occupies time and space, it changes things, it makes people believe. But as how its being defined, a speculation is an opinion or a conclusion based on inconclusive evidence, would it be enough to take it as truth? Same goes for a rumor, or a gossip, they're all real. They're manipulative in their own way, that can make minds think they're real, and so they are. But they're not the truth.

Can it be the other way around? Can truth stand without being real? It can. Through perspectives and ideas, it can. For example, it is the truth, that Allah exists. Signs are all over. And yet to some, He is not real.

Truth is simple. Sturdy and simple. Its something that nothing can bend. You can go around it, over it, but you can never change it. Its like written somewhere, and no one can erase it, and it goes for every single thing. Real, on the other hand, is truly dependent on one's mind. How one's mind evaluate things, see things, feel things. Real is whats REAL to an individual, but it doesn't necessarily imply to everybody else.

Hatred. Say you hate someone for something he or she did. Its real, but say if what you thought that person's intentions weren't the real intentions in the first place, and you end up hating that person forever, judging that person forever, which would lead to fights, wars.. Is it all worth it? All that for something that's not true in the first place?

So it makes you think. What's real to you now, things that are happening around you, people, situations, they seem real dont they? They affect you, make you happy, make you hurt, make you decide. But are they the truth? Are we living by the truth?

Only He knows. And here we are, in the midst of all of it, trying to find our yellow brick road home.

Fear

cars.
Workers.
Another ordinary morning.
And by the hectic road,
there was a man,
squatting,
under a public pipe,
taking his morning bath,
under that public pipe..

Pity swarm my heart,
until a thought of envy took over,
and then fear.
Pity for he didn't haf a choice,
envy for his boldness,
fear for it cn happen to anyone.
Me.
You

Plan.
We can only plan,
but whats to really happen?
For Him to know,
for us to find out?
Hmm

You're everywhere you're nt suppose to be

Healing from u takes time,
i know.
But how to heal if you're there all the time?

Whenever i see the chance to be okay,
and the closer i get to it,
u'll come along and crash it all to pieces,
why?

There are places that i love to go,
but since they remind me of you,
i cant.
There are things that i wanna do,
but since they remind me of you,
i cant.
There are things i wanna listen to,
feel,
focus on,
but you're written all over it,
and i cant.

You've messed up my heart,
n now you're playing with my mind,
what do you want from me?

Im tired of having thoughts of u,
i need to breathe,
i need to breathe...
But they keep coming,
please let me be..

I must move forward,
all this aint making tgs easy,
stop, please stop.

Lost at sea

i was once on a rock,
overlooking the beautiful sea,
listening to the sea gulls bark,
as the strong waves hit the shore.
But one thing about living on a rock,
its calming,
soothing,
dull.
So i took a leap of faith,
i jumped into the beautiful bed of blue,
an adventure so i thought,
and an adventure it still is.
What i saw was nothing like living on that rock above,
life in the sea was lighted,
with colours,
with life.
Exploring, i went.
Following where the waves would bring me,
but then it became dark and eerie,
i must have gone too far.
I must head back.
Determination was firm at first,
but the darkness ate my heart,
the darkness ate it all,
until whats left was only faith.
Im lost.
I got myself lost.
Gotta find my way home.
Left or right seems the same to me here at sea,
and i would choose either at random,
with reasons i can't calculate.
So far it has brought me to cities i've never been to,
interestingly mesmerizing,
but empty.
I miss home.
Life on that rock seems appealing now,
overlooking all these mysteries, and not being apart of it.
Sometimes, i wish i didn't jump.
Its wrong to regret,
bt sometimes, just sometimes,
i cant help myself.
Im lost at sea,
ive gotta find my way back.

Memories :)

This song crossed my mind,
Hours before he who recommended it to me listened to it..
A certain memory goes along with this song,
after hours,
days,
months,
years,
on the exact day,
we were destined to be reminded of the same thing,
a beautiful coincidence no?
lol
:)