Monday, July 4, 2011

I think imma have HUGE trouble with no 15 :S

I was about to start writing in a new page of my logbook today, to start yet another week of industrial training, and i felt a bitter sting straight to my heart when i saw "Week 8" on top of the page. It has been 7 weeks since the day we left for Coleraine. That would only mean i have approximately two more weeks left. Uh-oh.. More like, Fuckin' huge capital BLING BLING uh-ohs straight in the face alright. MASSIVE uh-ohs.. like MASSIVE massive..

Its funny how things work. How time matters not, for one to be attached to a particular something. or a particular place. or a particular someone. Before i start my normal ranting session, i'd like to warn yous out there that this post is going to be a very disoriented, unorganized, vulgar (?) and messy one.

I'm exhausted. I truly am. I could feel my eyes weighing on my cheeks, like a handkerchief holding a load of water, waiting to burst. But i can't blame them eyes, oh no i can't. I mean, they have ever so comfy cheeks now beneath them. Dunlop pillow standard cheeks, like the ones with goose feathers hahaha all fluffy, chubby, puffy... CHUBBY.. (urgh) who wouldn't wanna rest on that?.. Yes, i'm frustrated as well. I'm gaining fuckin' weight. Not. Good. Yes Houstan, the Eagle needs a bigger base to land now. I repeat. A bigger base. NOW. hahahahahahha i'm goin' nuts here.. And you wanna know the BEST part of all this?? They seem to fuckin' lovvvvv my face that it all accumulates THERE!!! urrghHhhHhhh *aksi tarik rambut sampai terkoyak kulit kepala (euwwww hahaha)*

I'm tired. Oh no wait, i've mentioned that hahahah. I'm confused, yes. I'm confused about myself either being really in a state of confusion, or am i just toying my mind to justify with the fact of me not being SURE if i'm confused or not. if i'm supposed to be confused or not. Anddd i think i've successfully...made you confused as well.. yikes, Welcome onboard! :P I'm confused with a number of things. Asking myself a lot of whys, whos, hows that it just drains my strength. But, in ways yet to explained, i think i prefer being in a state of confusion. Its exhausting, but at least you'd always know there's something out there to figure out on. You'll always have that yearn to solve the unsolve, ya know? Where's the fun when you 're sure about everything all the time? And in a state of confusion, is when you can shine in your shimmering ray of colours, bold and decide things base on your principles. A chance to be yourself. JYEAH! Go CONFUSION!!!!!!! *krik krik* So yea, i'm confused. NEXT!

I'm jealous. I'm jealous of how some people can just say whatever they want, can just badge out whatever they have in mind without having that notion to think first of what their words can do to others. I wish i have that luxury. But i dont. I think too much. True, being like me would prevent you from hurting 50% of the people on those-whom-i've-hurt-with-my-words list, but hey, guess where all that hurt accumulates to? YOU. INSIDE you, that it eats u up sometimes. And yes, the probability of you saying the wrong things would lessen as well, but hey, the probability of you saying the right things lessens, too. And all this ain't fun. These grudges i hold in me, i wish i could just let them go without exploding them in anybody's faces, especially mine. Or perhaps i wish i could explode without even thinking of how hurtful it'll be for that person, or how wrong and horrible things might turn out later. But i can't. I can't. And it suffocates me to hold everything inside. Its like being in a very polluted area, with dirty air, that you can either breathe in the dirty air, hurt your lungs, or torture yourself to not breathe until god knows when you'll find a suitable place to do so. And i choose to take good care of my lungs, so. Bhahaha pathetic... but hey, thats just who i am.

I'm in love. I'm in love with the idea that there's more to be discovered. I'm in love with the faith that i have, ignited deep in my heart, in a place where with His will no other will be able to break in. I'm in love with the person that i've turned out to be. Im not perfect, but i wouldn't wanna be anyone else. I'm in love with the life that i have. Its not perfect, but its not too bad. I believe imperfection is necessary and it acts as a reminder, to remind us that there's always something better out there, and there's no valid reason to be too attached to whats not perfect, coz perfection does exist. And that is in Allah. And to Him is where we should be deeply attached to.

I'm grateful. I'm grateful to be where i am, now. I'm not complaining one bit. If i am, that is only to let all the negativity out the right way, and not to nag like a useless arse and do nothin' about it, (and if it still does seem like i'm nagging, saje mengada nak attention kot bahahha sengalnyeee, i know). I'm grateful to see this world with the pair of eyes i have, and understand it with the heart that beats in me. I see crystals of colourful rainbows wherever i turn, and yet still remain rational. And no, i'm not on any kind of drugs, thanx for asking lol

I'm waiting. Anticipating. To go home :) Not that i'm homesick or anything, cheyy, okay okay, i am homesick. I miss ayah, mama, and aisyah. oh and my boyfriend. I miss sleeping with him, having him to wake me up every morning. I miss cuddlin' him. Don't worry sam, i know you ate my hamsters, but you'll never be on my hate list regardless of whatever you've done kay? haha. I'm anticipating, for Ramadhan :) Ramadhan last year was significant, not only because i was badly torn inside out and that month healed me, but i somehow felt so close to Him. So close. He was the only one who was able to help me, and insyaAllah with all my might, i wanna feel that closure again. InsyaAllah, with no distractions.

And now? I'm smiling :) I'm smiling because finally, i could end this post hahaha i know you're smiling, too aren't ya? hampas kunyit betol! hahaha.. and i'm smiling, because really, and truthfully, i can't find a reason not to. And it makes me feel good. nothin' wrong with that now, right? Have an awesome tuesday, folks!


  1. I am happy for u ;-) I'm gonna assured u that u have a better life than me!!! BECAUSE Yr father is channeling helluva amount of money into yr bank account!!! And I am sitting back home with less than RM500 in my piggie bank!!! ARGH!!! And I have not done the effing laporan eksecutive or what ever its name is!!! Seriously, I duno what ur that religious. I only have myself and the idea of my perfectly innocent mom to cling onto when I am down. I miss u as well!!! And something to say that ur better than me, I just knew that my ex cheated on :-( FUCK HIM!!!!!!

  2. lol its all mind over matter i think. And your life will be the BEST for you if you believe it to be. rm500 in the piggy bank, a dude cheated on you, and you're not done with your executive report, these are all drawbacks, true, but its nothing SKP can't handle now, am i not right? And thats what matters.

    You can't choose whats given to you, but you can determine what to do with it, and if you believe that it'll come out to be something better than you can ever expect it to be, trust me, it'll be something better :)

    I have drawbacks in my life, too. If you think my life is easy peasy, its not lol. But just because its not easy, does not mean i have to hate it, right? It does not necessarily mean i'd lose in the end. It does not mean i won't be happy. As a matter of fact, i'm glad its not easy. I'm glad that its difficult, coz that'll create space for me to put things in MY OWN WAY. It creates space for me to decide how i wanna lead my life. It creates the need to explore other options, to create impact.

    And as for that bastard ex of yours, lol, he can shuv his piece some place else, coz he definitely did not deserve you. And as how i could recall it, i dont think you were as passionate as you should be towards him as well, so don't bother yourself to be all sad about it. Shit happens so that our tummy can be filled with better food hehehe :) You'll find someone that'll just appreciate u for who you are, and thats someone to keep.. :)

    Missing you tooooooo!!!!!!! I miss the random conversations we usually have in between lectures lol. Happy holidays kok pei! :) And viewing from my window, i am somehow honoured to have the privilege of getting to know you. most definitely one of the unique people i've known.. dont ever change :)