Tuesday, May 10, 2011
It was green in colour, that form they asked me to fill in, with black printed wordings instructing us to write down our ambitions. 3 to be exact. And at an instance, i knew what they would be.
I was 7 when i first received such a form, and it became a regular thing every year throughout my 11 years of formal school. That was what growing up meant in those days. Growing up is to get older numerically, celebrate another birthday and at the same time be the career you've always adored.
I wish i was a bit different, a bit out of the norm or in a rather more fancy term, 'extraordinary', but i wasn't. Or perhaps, i didn't know better. So like most of my classmates, with the utmost determination, i wrote down the same options. Every single year. Doctor. Vet. Teacher. Very typical.
I got older of course, and at the age of 15 or 16 or so, you start to understand that growing up ain't about just what you do, but how you see things too, and how to interpret them. Thats when you start laying down guidelines for yourself, character wise. Expectations. "When i grow up, i would wanna be like this.. or like that.. or i wouldn't wanna be like him.. or like her.. ". And these words were thrown out like nothing else matters, naively, but with sheer confidence. I personally pictured myself to be the very schematic-by-the book-shy kind, who works behind the curtains, (coz in those days, i was so so so afraid to speak publicly), and i wanted to be someone who puts forth whats right first, then what i really want. oh how i miss having the feeling of that. Don't you?
Just when you start getting the hang of things and on your way to these goals you've set for yourself, life happens. Shitty things happen, and all of a sudden everything goes topsy turvy, uptil a point where you yourself are no longer sure who or how you should be. Its a whole new soccer field now, with new rules. Thats when you take drastic measures, exploring other options that you have.. or perhaps, only have. And when this happens, it sets a whole new meaning to 'growing up'. It ain't just about how you see things, or how u understand things, or what you do in life. Its about how you handle situations. How you react. How you take action. It aint about who you wanna be nemore, its about knowing who you really are.
This is where most of us are right now. Getting to know who we are. Getting to know our options. Its no longer just about what we want, but about realising what we've always wanted. In an enzymatic reaction graph, i'd say we're at the optimal stage at the moment. Yes. And now that we're almost through 60% of the whole lifetime process, if i were to ask you, are you the person you've always dreamed of being, is it a yes? or a no? Or perhaps better? Worse? hmm :)
Once you start to develop formulas, and thought you've had it all figured out, sharing it with those whom are new to all this, things start to deteriorate. Your body starts to fail you, and you start to lose things. U become your number one obstacle and everything goes in reverse. You start to become dependent. You start to become like a child again. And when this happens, it aint about growing up nemore, its not about getting to know who you are, but about being done with growing up, and preparing to say goodbye.
Pretty much a hard swag to keep up with this life we're trying to live huh? Its like every time we're about to get hold of that air bubble, it pops, and the next thing you know, you're on a new quest for somethin' else. Life :)